From Diplomat to Dating Coach—Noah Heymann Shares What Inspired His Career 180
Plus, he shares where to get the best BBQ in Park Slope, a great kids' board game, and a mozzarella tip!
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Hi! How’s your week going? On Monday, I interviewed Noah Heymann, founder of DateCoach.com, and I’m excited to share his feature with you today. I met Noah last fall, and it only took a few minutes before I made a mental note to add him to my list of people to feature in the newsletter. It’s not every day that you meet a diplomat turned dating coach!
After studying history, economics, and mathematics at Yale, Noah entered the State Department’s Foreign Service. He spent more than a decade as a diplomat in Mexico City, Islamabad, Rome, and Havana. Then, he left the Foreign Service to start date coaching. “Diplomacy is about listening to understand, not our normal mode of listening to respond. With this background, I zero in on what will best help my clients authentically find love,” says Noah.
In this week’s issue of Park Slope Times, Noah shares what inspired his career change, how data informs his coaching practice, and how he landed in Park Slope. Plus, he tells us where to find the best sourdough, mozzarella, and pie in the neighborhood.
Kelley MacDonald: Hi Noah! I’m guessing there aren’t a ton of dating coaches out there — before you, I’d never met one! Have you always been a dating coach?
Noah Heymann: No, I started date coaching four years ago. I finally made up my mind to start DateCoach.com at the beginning of the pandemic, when everybody was on Zoom. Previously as a diplomat for more than a decade, I represented the US government to the local government on whatever topic, from immigration to trade. I bounced around to a different country every few years; it was exciting and difficult and fulfilling, to an extent. But not nearly as fulfilling as date coaching.
What made you want to change careers and go into date coaching full-time?
As much as I care about huge transnational issues, the loneliness I saw in my friends who were not finding love or who were in relationships and still lonely — I couldn't stand it anymore and transformed my life to help them. Originally, I focused on my own dating community called “Chubs and Chasers,” which refers to fat gay men, like my husband, and the men who like them, like me. My friends and clients quickly became frustrated with me about my reluctance to accept referrals beyond the comfort of my own tribe, so I started broadening to other gay gays or fat women. Now, I don't discriminate. My clients cover all genders, sexualities, and body types; everyone deserves love.
Can you walk me through your process with a new client? Why do most people seek your help? How specifically do you coach someone?
The most common thing that people ask for help with is finding a loving partner. There are other very specific things too. My wife broached the idea of an open relationship, and I don't know how to talk to her about it. Can you help? Or, I've noticed no one is responding to the messages I'm sending on Hinge. Can you look at my profile?
I always start with a free intro session, and we meet at a cafe, diner, or wherever you like, even video chat. We talk through your goals and circumstances and my methods because coaching is so unknown to most people. The coaching model I like best is GROW, which stands for Goals, Realities, Options, and What will you do. The intro session gets us through the first two.
If a prospective client is talking only about trauma, I might refer them to therapy. I might decline others who are looking for pickup artistry — unlike the Will Smith character in “Hitch,” I want my clients to succeed through authenticity and not playing “cool.” If we’re a good fit, we’ll use our first coaching session to lay out our options in the order we want to tackle them. We might choose to work on body confidence, how to approach someone in person, conversational techniques, intimacy, jealousy, or communication solutions for a long-distance relationship. The topics are extremely personal, so everything is confidential, even the existence of the coaching relationship. I was surprised and gushing last week when two of my Brooklyn clients happened to go on a date with each other — not arranged by me — and neither knew the other was a client!
What stood out to me on DateCoach.com is how you use data to inform your coaching techniques. Is it common to use data in date coaching?
When I started training to become a dating coach, I was shocked to find that coaches weren’t versed or interested in the voluminous data available on online dating. But the data precisely answers questions like How do I write the perfect profile? What is the ideal opening message? What are the best photos to use on my profile? I'm a huge data nerd, so I pored through all these studies and collated the data. I love tailoring solutions to every client. I love it when a client crowd-sources their photos so there is no doubt what is most attractive to their target audience, or when a client improves their confidence or conversation skills based on the latest functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies.
Did you work with a dating coach to meet Mark, your husband?
I wish I had had a dating coach [laughs]. We met through a chub-chaser-specific app for a casual dinner when I was back visiting from overseas. We just couldn’t get enough of each other. It was more than a year before I was able to adjust my career to move in with him, and for him to change careers to come overseas with me. We’ve been together for 13 years.
But, of all the people who could have used a dating coach, I was high on that list. I didn’t come out until right after I graduated from college. My greatest source of sadness and loneliness was being closeted. When your sexuality is kind of double unusual — not just gay but a chubby chaser — it’s more common to come out later because it’s harder to find your tribe.
In 2001, when I was 17, I had a summer job for Cory Booker when he was running his failed first mayoral campaign in Newark. Every afternoon during rush hour, I would come back through Penn Station and just hang out for a few minutes and watch chubby guys walk by. I’d imagine a life that, at that time, I thought I never could have because I was resolved to never come out. Gay marriage was illegal and kids seemed even more impossible. Now, Mark and I have…